Bryan Tan | 5 Dec 2011

Like any jaded and skeptical critic, the very idea of true love, or love at first sight brings up images of clichéd romantic movies, and Twilight.

It was my first day in Melbourne, and I was fidgeting uncomfortably in the waiting area of the college I was supposed to be enrolling into for university foundation.

That was when I was utterly struck by what some would call a lightning bolt, or cupid’s arrow, but neither descriptions will do what I felt justice.

It was that aura of palpable masculinity - that incredible, charismatic presence which pushed me over sanity’s edge.

I stared. The most curious thing about him was the normality; you couldn’t tell whether he was gay or not from first glance. Not from his dressing, nor his mannerisms.

I tried to shake the clouds out of my head and thought to myself that it could not possibly happen. Not to someone like me. He could not be gay anyway.

I have tried my utmost like any closeted homosexual to maintain a low profile; lying about girls, hiding porn in the nuttiest places you could imagine, and concealing whatever else that could possibly be a sign for others to misinterpret.

But I was deeply curious.  

I tried my best just to watch him from afar, but destiny would have it otherwise. He was in every class I went to. He stayed in the very same dorm that I was in, in a room just opposite mine a few doors away. 

Worst of all, he would come to me every time he spotted me, with a smile that could light up a Christmas tree.

I succumbed in the end. 

I started spending an almost indecent amount of time in his room, and he didn’t seem to mind. Not long after, we ended up together in bed and things naturally progressed from there. 

We were both happily discreet and it didn’t bother us one bit – but this secrecy came at a very great cost. 

He took the word “discreet” to whole new levels. In order to protect our identity, or his identity, passwords were fashioned which we were to use when calling each other over the phone.

In the event that someone misappropriated either of our phones, they were safeguards to prevent us from saying things reserved for each other by accident to strangers or friends. 

Our names on each other’s phones were saved under different girls names. No physical contact was allowed in public unless it was in the privacy of our rooms.

The paranoia of his discretion took a very harsh toll on our relationship. I enjoyed the risk and thrill at first, but I was sorely tested by his manipulation more often than not, when he masqueraded as someone else to test the safeguards of our relationship.  

He would send me texts like “I love you. Now delete this message so no one else can see it.” 

If he checked my phone and his messages were still there, he would have fits and outbursts of temper. 

It was an emotional burden on my heart that grew heavier and heavier with each passing day. 

I grew more and more afraid of him, dreading a text sent any moment by him accusing me of breaking my promise to keep our relationship a secret. Lying to me was perfectly fine, but the reverse was unthinkable.

Still I clung to the fact that I loved him, and wondered why he couldn’t trust me and let me into his heart. I felt that I didn’t understand him at all and that he was becoming a stranger to me. 

There was no one I could talk to or confide in. I was in a relationship, yet never in my life had I felt so alone.

We tried to break up several times, and this went on and off for a year. I finally mustered the courage to confide in a close friend that we shared. 

He found out eventually, and the resulting explosion that came was unthinkable. I entertained thoughts of suicide. Insomnia and depression set in. There were periods of vomiting spells which came and went. I tried to make things up to no avail.  

Things died down eventually, but it was the breach of trust in a relationship that ended it all.

It’s been about 4 years since. I often wonder if he had moved on or gotten over me. Perhaps he has. We meet occasionally over gatherings and talk about nothing, but I know we probably won’t be the same around each other again.

Writer’s Note: Hey all, I hope you guys enjoyed reading this particularly, um, depressing piece of my heart! Okay, fine it was a downer – I sometimes struggle to get out of his shadow, but I'm alright now ^^. Send me an email at ssbtan@hotmail.com if you have any questions!

P.S. I’ll leave you all to debate the moral of the story; it was written from my experience and hopefully you guys could get something out of it!